Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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