I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I still have a little drunk in my system
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
