FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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