Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
