I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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