I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
