i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
