at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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