Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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