I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
