Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
