life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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