Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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