after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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