She told me I should be a condom model.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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