Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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