My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
