My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
