guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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