You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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