i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
