She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
