This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
