I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
