i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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