i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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