Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
