Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
