White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
