my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
