it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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