I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
