I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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