just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
