they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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