What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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