What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
