When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
