you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A+ Viking dick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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