Do vagina's smell?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
