Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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