I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
