The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
