after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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