I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
