I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
