You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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