My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
