I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
