you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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