just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
