he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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