yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
