Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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